Never in a million years did I think I would be "that mom". You know who I'm talking about right? That mom that gives up her job, her hobbies, her life to stay home with her kids and tend to the responsibilities of the home. The one who puts everyone elses needs before her own. Maybe I was just young and selfish, but I just knew that was NOT going to be me. Growing up I envisioned myself being super mom; working during the day, taking care of my children in the evenings-- with a perfectly clean house and a hot supper on the table every night to boot! And then I got pregnant...
When reality set in and our first child was on the way I would lose sleep at night thinking about leaving him with someone I did not know, I just couldn't bear the thought. When our beautiful little boy came into this world my husband and I agreed I needed to stay home with him, it was the right thing for our family. Believe me, I know I am so fortunate that our family could actually manage on one income, not everyone has that luxury. We agreed to one year as a stay at home mom, but one turned into two which turned into a second pregnancy with another newborn who fully depended on me. It has now been four years as a stay-at-home mom, and while I love it, I cannot help but feel like I have lost MYSELF. Please tell me I am not the only one who feels like this?!
Whenever the thought creeps into my mind I suddenly feel this pang of guilt for even thinking it. I mean, I love my children more than my own life. They fill my heart with so much joy I never experienced before having them. I know it is cliché, but I did not know true selfless love until I became a mother.
All that being said...
I used to be this fun, independent, EMPLOYED woman. I used to have hobbies that didn't include changing diapers and wiping unknown substances off of my floors, walls... well, everywhere! When someone asks me what I like to do for fun, I used to be able to spout off a list of things and now I take a long pause and the best thing I can come up with is, "Go grocery shopping by myself..." That my friends is not a hobby. I used to have girls night out, with meaningful conversations about our goals and aspirations. Now a days it feels incredibly hard for me to find things to talk about that don't revolve around the toilet or the new shows on the Disney channel! My life used to be interesting; now I feel like I bore people as soon as I open my mouth, especially if said people do not have children.
Our jobs as stay-at-home moms never really end. Even after we put the kids to bed we are typically cleaning up after the messes from the day, because, lets be honest trying to clean while they are awake is about as pointless as trying to wash your car in the rain. There is always more laundry and organizing that needs to be done. There is waking up in the middle of the night to nurse or take one potty, calm a nightmare. Whatever the case may be, this is a twenty four hour job with little time to think of ourselves.
I know this may sound like a pity party, that is really not my intention. I love my life, I love being caretaker to my children and husband, but sometimes I do feel I lost a huge part of myself.
And maybe that is okay.
I may have changed,- I may not be the mom I thought I would be- but I am still doing an amazing job. I am helping shape my children into the people that they are going to be. I am instilling morals that will last a lifetime, I am teaching manners and numbers and vocabulary. These beautiful little beings are depending on me, looking to me to kiss their boo boos and fix their broken toys and just BE THERE. This is who I am; to my children I am superwoman. So what if I haven't read a book since, What to Expect When You're Expecting or kept up on the latest fashion trends... what I am doing is much more significant. I am raising tiny humans. And while I may complain from time to time and need a break every now and then, this is a once in a lifetime job and I am honored I was given this chance.
I know this is just a moment in time; before I know it my children will be in school, hanging out with friends, and not wanting to play with me anymore. I need to embrace this time in my life, but also I shouldn't feel guilty for missing my "me" time, I need that too. Soon enough I will be writing a blog crying about having too much time on my hands. I will have a calendar full of hobbies (mine and my children's). I will be wishing for more of these crazy days at home focused completely on our family.
